Cats

So we have a nicely manicured and well groomed front and back yard. Something that we put a lot of time an effort into and take pride in. A lot of people wonder why we put the time and effort in, but I want to have the nicest lawn and yard on the block. No big deal right, well that was until recently this summer when our neighbours decided to get a cat, sorry a DAMN CAT!!

Now some of you readers out there might be cat lovers, and so I don't offend, I urge you to stop reading here and now. If not, continue on as I delve into what I believe should be a cat free world, or at least my little part of the world.

Our neighbours to the south have had kittens before, which are quite harmless, until they become full blown cats. The problem with cats, is that they are evil and can see through your soul. Have you ever seen a cat that is not skidish and that you can actually enjoy. Cats do their thing when and how they want, we used to have a neighbour who would walk her cat on a leash, this was the funniest shit I have ever seen, as the cat would lay down on the sidewalk and not move, leaving the lady standing there, looking stupid with a cat on a leash until that cat was ready. A dog you can train and are loyal, but a cat would scratch your eyes out if it felt like it, pure evil. And their slit eyes are eerily similar those a serpents eyes, and we all know the most famous serpent of all... But on top of that, it seems socially acceptable to just simply let you cat out at night or during the day to roam free doing what ever they please, which brings me to my point about our neighbours stupid cats, which I might add are unlicensed and collarless.

You see the stupid cats that live in our neighbour hood decided that it would be a great idea to use our gardens and flowerbeds as a litterbox, and for those of you who know, cat feces and urine is a very unpleasant and pungent odour. Not only do they use our flower beds as a litter box, but the bird houses that Katie loves and likes to watch as the birds build nests and chicks are born and so on and so forth, they get invaded, raped and pillaged a la Genghis Khan. We woke one morning to see a lot of nest on the ground with some little hatchling remains, which did not make Katie a happy person.






Now if some of you have advice on how to get rid on the cats we are all ears, so far I have tried cat repellent, cat scat, and rocks. The repellent didn't work as I came home one day and saw the cat sitting there looking at me, almost smiling like the Cheshire cat. So i launched out of my truck and took off after the cat. It jumped and took off under the our deck with no way out, until I heard a thrilling "THUD" and the cat was gone. I thought it might have knocked it self out, leaving it a sitting duck, but it simply bashed its head on the deck and was gone. In the meantime, I ended up with a pulled hamstring. Cat 1 - Me 0



The other option of rocks has worked fairly well. We keep a few stones on our table in case we see the cats, and simply launch them at the felines in the hopes of have a David and Goliath moment. I have hit the cats on numerous occasions but I am yet to kill one. So Cat 1 Me 1. That brings me to the option that I am using now, cat scat. This is a little mat that has spikes sticking up so that the cat cant walk on the dirt without pain. So far it is working, and i am going to build some more out of brad nails and plywood, something that will actually puncture the paws of the cat to cause pain and suffering.



That is right people I want pain and suffering for these and all cats, and I mean that. If Katie would let me, I would set our squirrel trap with bait, catch the little devils and throw them in the river with a rock tied to their tail, or better yet, I have tried to leave antifreeze out "by accident" so the nosy cats would get their due justice (try this at home). Katie, however, has kiboshed these and many other ideas and has given up on the hope of getting rid of the stupid animals. I, on the other hand, will fight tooth and nail until they are gone (IE dead).

The Final thing that puts the nail in the coffin about cats is this. Have you ever heard the saying "Oh there is the crazy dog woman with all those dogs..." No, it is always been and will always remain "There goes the crazy cat lady..."

I leave you on this post with the score Cat 1 Me 2 with the hopes of changing it one day to Cat - dead Me - Winner. And to all those cat lovers out there, I told you to stop reading so you can only blame yourself and cant get mad at me or think I am cruel.