Virginity and innocence lost in Michigan

Alright, I understand that it has been a long time since I have written anything in here. But that is because I didn't have anything to write that was worthy (not that anything is really I suppose) and I also didn't have any time. So that being said here we go.

I was Down in the states for thanksgiving visiting with my in-laws. It has been a year since we have been there so we were looking forward to the trip. The entire trip was great and we had a wonderful time, but there is one day in particular that will stick out in my mind for a long time, November 24 2007, the day I lost my virginity - or almost.

I am not a hunter, never have been and probably never will be. The only hunting I have ever done was when we went pheasant hunting in 2002, even then the birds are placed and you go with a trained dog who finds the birds for you. I did this with my father-in-law and my two brother-in-laws which was a blast. So even when I went hunting, I didn't REALLY go hunting. Well on Saturday November 24 2007, it was decided that we (the same fore mentioned foursome and one extra) would head down to Marcellus Michigan to go "Hunt us some deers"

We got to the field where we would set up the push, two shooters would sit at one end of a piece of land while the other three walked through the creeks, dead fall and Fields to stir up any deer. This all sounded like a great idea 3 people pushing some deers into 2 shooters set up for the kill. I made sure that I was wearing the most orange in the group at this point and went to get my gun. "No gun for you Matt" my father-in-law coolly stated, "The fine is huge down here, plus you're Canadian." Now things start to change, first off I don't hunt, second off, I am walking towards 2 people that do and third I am the only bastard dumb enough to be walking in a field during hunting season in Michigan with only a stick. We were off.

After walking the creek and dead fall, Pops, tag along and myself start to "push" the final Field. We make sure to zig zag so that no deer are missed and we move at an equal rate around 50 yards apart. Well I am having a good time, thinking about life, walking through head high brush and carrying my trusty stick... BAM BAM BAM BAM, four loud shots echo through my head, entering one ear and exiting the other in a split second. "Am I dead" I think to myself, and more important "Did I just shit myself..." Before I can figure that out, I am on the ground deep in prayer to God that I just make it out alive as I hear BAM BAM BAM BAM, four more shots from another directions. "Damn they are sniping me from all sides." After I felt it was safe to emerge, I check myself for wounds "Head, Chest, Balls yup still there" okay we are good to go. I raise my arms and show my orange and ask what just happened, and that I think I had just soiled myself not once, but twice in a matter of seconds. It turns out that a big Buck had been scared right behind me and one of the shooters took four shots and missed, and then another deer was spotted and was being shot at by another shooter whom also missed - boy I was thankful for my big bad stick and the fact that I had soiled myself for no deer...

After the we meet up and chatted, I calmly asked that no one please shot me and that I didn't think I would make a nice head mount anyway as Canadians in Michigan aren't that uncommon. The final push of that day was through a little forest and field again. This time I was given a real gun, a 12 gauge double barrel shotgun (using slugs for ammo), "Damn, just like the movies" I thought. As I was walking a little ways in, I happened to spot a deer, it was just sitting there under some dead fall staring at me. Well this is where I make my in-laws, well lets just say they wouldn't call it my proudest moment. As I stared at the deer I suddenly remember what I was there to do, "ME HUNTER ARRGHHH" yet what really happened was the following conversation.

"kent, kent KENT!!! I see a deer... what do I do?"

"SHOOT IT!!!"

"What do you mean by shoot it??"

"I mean hold up your gun and shoot it"

"Like kill it shoot it?? but it is lying down"

"Then make it get up and shoot it"

"Like kill it shoot it, or make it run shoot it?

"Like put the meat on your table shoot it"

"But it is just lying there staring at me"

"Would you just shoot it!!!"

"To scare it..."

then deer then got up and started to run, all the while thinking to itself "pussy, I cant believe I was just laying there and he wouldn't shoot" Well I did shoot, only it was more in the general direction then actually at the deer. But I did scare it towards the other shooters, who calmly exclaimed as the deer neared "Its only a little doe..." Ahhh the humiliation, but at least I had more than a stick to throw at it this time.

So that is my first actual hunting experience in the wild where the animals aren't just sitting there waiting to be shot... AHH CRAP! In the end, I shat myself twice, thought I was shot twice, checked my body for holes and organs twice, got to hold two different sticks to feel like a man and shot in the directions (north I believe) of a deer. For me a very eventful hunt, but for a Michigander... well I will leave that for you all to decide.

First real images and first kick

Well this past Thursday was quite the day. It started out, well shitty, on all accounts but would prove to end wonderfully. Work has, and continues to be stressful right now as we have so much work, and so few qualified employees to complete the work. So like always I was putting out fires and making promises that I still had to figure out how to do, and carrying on like that until about 12:30 when I went home to pick up Katie and head to our 19 week ultra sound. Well after a brief wait, I was allowed to go in the room ans see the little one for the first time since it was a "yolk sac" at 6 weeks. Well it is now a fully formed little baby that has arms legs and perfect little toes and fingers. Everything looks fine and t he baby is growing and healthy. It was extremely active and was making it hard for the tech to get the shots of the spine needed. So Katie had to get up a couple of times and get the little one to move around. We watched for 15-20 minutes or so. During it, it was moving a ton and very active, flailing its arms and legs this way and that. smiling, yawning and just active. I thought that I was all over the anatomy part of it, when the lady told me that we were looking at the heart, I thought we were looking at the head. turns out I have no idea when it comes to this stuff. Then we did the 4-D and saw it "punch" Katie, and then have a huge smile or yawn. It sort of looks like an alien, but still you can make out all the features, the lips, eyes, ears, nose, and according to the tech a "Strong jaw line" from its father. At least it has my jaw line and not my big ears (I hope). So that made my day better.





Later that night as we lay in bed, the baby was kicking Katie like crazy, but only enough to feel it on the inside. Then all of a sudden she could feel it on her belly. We laid there poking, prodding and eventually scolding (more me that Katie) the baby into kicking me when I had my hand on her belly. It was such a cool moment. First you have seen the baby inside so you know it is there, but then to feel it kick you and move around it such a different feeling. There is a baby in there, that is a part of me and is mine (that we know of so far).

So at the end of the day, work is important, but it is just work and nothing compared to the ultra sound and feeling my baby kick for the first time. As we say in the industry, "It's been one helluva day"

Respect, or lack thereof

So my question that arises today pertains again to the cats, but also to those of you who smoke. Now we all know how I feel about cats and people who don't have control over them and let them run wild to shit and piss all over your flowers beds and gardens, which is really bad for pregnant women I might add. So we have that lack of respect covered. The other lack of respect that I am going to talk about today is that of certain smokers. Now before all you smokers get your g-string panties in a bunch, sit down, shut up and read the entire post.

As many of you know, I take great pride in having a nice looking yard and garden, free of weeds, most quack grass and any other non-natural items. So when I come home to see that I have cigarette butts strew about in front of my house on the sidewalk and street, as well as in my lawn I get to wondering what is wrong with my friends who do smoke. So I do what most people would do, I pick up the butts to discard them. When I take a closer look, I see that all the butts are John Players and not du MAURIER like all our friends smoke. Okay, so now it is one of my red neck, wife beatin, tobaca chewin' neighbours. The people to my south are the disrespectful cat owners, so they cant be the ones who would double disrespect me. So that leaves my northerly neighbours. I know that the woman doesn't smoke, and I have a feeling that the guy does. Now if you have read my past posts about cats and the crazy lengths I go to rid myself of something once I have my mind made up, it will come as no surprise that I began trying to catch my neighbour in the act. So I hide behind our couch, I shimmy up beside the tree, I crouch behind a rose bush, but much to my chagrin nothing, zero, zip NADA!! He knows that I am watching him as he finds ways to mock me with those cigarette butts.





Then it happens, one day as I am in the shower I look out and see him in the act. He is smoking and getting ready to get on his bike and ride off. As he takes the last few drags from his cig, he calmly and casually glances around to make sure no one is looking, then strides in front of our house, and with a quick glance at our windows flicks the butts, buckles his helmet and rides away. Well the steam in the shower isn't from the water anymore, if Katie hadn't calmed my once famous, or rather infamous temper, my neighbour would have see a blur of nakedness and roundhouses all at once. But since Katie has made me a better and more calm man, I only jumped out of the shower and ran to the window to yell at the SOB, tracking water everywhere in the house as I did so. By the time I go the window open and began to yell, he was half way down the street on his crotch rocket appearing to look back at me with the kind of grin that makes you cringe and wish you had a full hand of fresh cow pie!


Since I couldn't get to the guy fast enough, I did what I thought was the next best thing. I quickly dressed, went outside and proceeded to pick up every butt that I could find in the area. Then I took all the butts and placed them on his front step in a nice pile. Now some of you may think that this is childish and stupid, but I ask you how many people would thoughtfully and purposefully dispose of their cigarette butts in the same manner as my neighbour. If any of you say yes, then I have a full hand of fresh cow pie for ya, so come and see me!!

So anyway, where was I, oh yeah the pile of butts on his front step. Well he must have gotten the picture because I have not seen a butt in front of our house since, and if I did, well you read the whole thing COW PIE FOR ALL!! And if any of you smokers out there are still offended, well tough, I will get you some wine to go with that cheese. And to all of you smokers out there that do the right thing and dispose of the butts in the proper way, thanks and quit smoking it will kill you : )

For a quick update, I have recently placed a live trap with tuna out to catch my Nemesis to no avail. If anyone has any suggestions as to who to catch this little black and white devil, I am all ears! But keep in mind that Katie will not let me kill them. And for your viewing pleasure I give you our crazy block cat lady.

READ, ENJOY, POST!

Freakin' out on a Saturday night part II

As we drove to our first destination, Kazs' kids, I was assured that everything would be alright and that we were simply looking to get an idea of what we might need in the near future. No biggie I kept telling myself, but as soon as we walked into the store panic overwhelmed my once calm demeanor, I was now in full "oh shit" mode. We spent a hour in there looking and examining prices. $1000 for a crib, $600 for a stroller, $600 for the change table, $XXX for diapers food and clothing, -$XXX for Katie not working anymore. Again quick math in my head and "OH SHIT" As we left this store we proceeded to another baby store called E-children with the same result. As we neared the end of our visit to E-children, my wife looked at me and could tell i was a bit uneasy, saying "Too much Too fast??" I could only muster a squeak that sounded like a "yes". We left the store and went about our nightly business, or so my wife thought.

that night we had two house warming parties to attend and since I know had a Built in Designated Driver, I thought it would be a good idea to bring Gin and Tonic, other was know as G&T, to the parties. As the parties wore on and the drinks came faster, I could no longer hold it in. I was now starting to sweat and it was not hot enough to sweat even if I wanted. As I wiped my brow, I kept telling myself to calm down and stop being an idiot. But the feeling could not be quelled, I was a ticking time bomb about to explode.

Now many of you would have stopped and thought to yourself, if I stopped drinking, maybe I will be able to calm down and think a little more rationally. Well my friends, I could have used that advice at the time of the said freak out.

As we pulled up to our second destination, the ticking inside was getting louder and louder like the infamous tell tale heart. I couldn't stop it so I quickly poured another drink and tried to push it back down. It was sort of working, so I was telling myself, until friends who had not heard about our little secret began to congratulate us and tell us how happy they were for us, all fine and dandy, but they continued on with things such as "Your lives will NEVER be the same" or "Hope you didn't like money" other said "Man you don't know what you are getting yourself into". Now as I look back on these I know that they weren't meant to wake a sleeping giant, and how were they to know what I had been going through all day. Well That was it, I couldn't control it anymore. I was now officially freaking out.

I am not ready for this, we cant afford this, do you know how much all this stuff cost, I cant be a parent, I wont be a good parent, 6 months is not enough time, I wasted the last 3 months, I want to travel more, is there a pause button, Can I make it stop and then start again when I am ready, do we have to get a mini van... were all thoughts and sentences that came out of my mouth in what seemed like one long run-on sentence. I was left panting for air, sweating and extremely unsure of myself. What have I gotten myself into. If too much G&T caused panic, I was officially KO'd drunk!

Here is the part where my two buddies "Trevor linden" and "Pete the Plumber" came to my rescue. They talked me down and calmed the monster that was now unleashed. To make this LONG story short, a few more drinks and a lot of conversation about buying second hand, not getting more on our plate from God that we can handle, my wife most likely doing a lot of the feeding and stuff during the first few months, as well as numerous other heartfelt assurances that I, and we, can and will be able to do this.

So I am thankful to say that I have made it to and through my first and hopefully only official "freak out" of becoming a father. I still have times where I don't believe it, but I am thoroughly excited and eagerly awaiting the arrival of our little one in early march. To those of you who helped my little incident, thank you and good night!!

Freakin' out on a Saturday night part I

Well well well, I officially had a very VERY "freaked out" freak out session on saturday starting at around 3:15 and carrying on late into the night. Friends and family were there to witness and help calm me down, with a special shout out to my boys Trevor Linden, and Pete the plumber - Thanks!

I guess that I should preface this blog with the reason why I freaked out, you see my wife and I are expecting a little baby over the next year... that is right you heard it right, we are pregnant and having a child. So before the wise cracks start, yes my boys can swim and apparently very well as all it took was one try. So that is the background info to the story, shall we begin.

I awoke on a cool but sunny saturday morning and rolled over to see if my wife was awake or still sleeping. As per normal she was sleeping as evidenced by an adorable little baby like snore> I slipped out of bed and went to the kitchen to make us some breakie, eggs and toast. When my wife finally rose from her slumber, we sat and ate our food over some tea and conversation about what our day would entail.

As the day started to warm up and the sun beat down hotter and hotter on the earth, we decided to talk a nice walk in griffith woods. It was a short drive later that we found ourselves hand in hand walking on the paths through the unique woods that is simply know as "Griffith". We passed numerous people, saying the mandatory and obligatory hellos, with an occasional "wha sup" nod thrown in to single men walking or running passed. It was here that my freak out began to grow and fester. You see we walked past a couple, but not just any couple, a VERY pregnant couple. The woman looked liked she was litterally about to bust and I may have even saw some amniotic fluid on the path, without proper testing I couldnt be sure. Then it hit me, that is going to be us in 9 months... wait a minute we already are 3 months pregnant. With a little quikc math in my head, that left us with only 6 months to prepare. The sweat from walking and the sun was now being joined by the sweat of terror and fear. What have we gotten ourselves into, we cant handle this, we cant even handle ourselves. How are we going to be able to bring a child into the world and be able to handle it. And not only that, but we have just throw the first 3 months away and done nothing to prepare. I began to glisten.

A short time later, as we were walking, I calmly looked at my wife and said "are we ready for this?" She looked at me blankly and asked "What, what arent we ready for?" "A child" was my response. The conversation carried on for the remainder of our walk as we discussed the time we had left and that we would learn as we went with the hlp of friends and family. By the end of the walk, I was quite calm, and the sweat was now simply from the heat and nothing else. I even felt brave enough to suggest that we go and look at baby stuff... first mistake.

Cats

So we have a nicely manicured and well groomed front and back yard. Something that we put a lot of time an effort into and take pride in. A lot of people wonder why we put the time and effort in, but I want to have the nicest lawn and yard on the block. No big deal right, well that was until recently this summer when our neighbours decided to get a cat, sorry a DAMN CAT!!

Now some of you readers out there might be cat lovers, and so I don't offend, I urge you to stop reading here and now. If not, continue on as I delve into what I believe should be a cat free world, or at least my little part of the world.

Our neighbours to the south have had kittens before, which are quite harmless, until they become full blown cats. The problem with cats, is that they are evil and can see through your soul. Have you ever seen a cat that is not skidish and that you can actually enjoy. Cats do their thing when and how they want, we used to have a neighbour who would walk her cat on a leash, this was the funniest shit I have ever seen, as the cat would lay down on the sidewalk and not move, leaving the lady standing there, looking stupid with a cat on a leash until that cat was ready. A dog you can train and are loyal, but a cat would scratch your eyes out if it felt like it, pure evil. And their slit eyes are eerily similar those a serpents eyes, and we all know the most famous serpent of all... But on top of that, it seems socially acceptable to just simply let you cat out at night or during the day to roam free doing what ever they please, which brings me to my point about our neighbours stupid cats, which I might add are unlicensed and collarless.

You see the stupid cats that live in our neighbour hood decided that it would be a great idea to use our gardens and flowerbeds as a litterbox, and for those of you who know, cat feces and urine is a very unpleasant and pungent odour. Not only do they use our flower beds as a litter box, but the bird houses that Katie loves and likes to watch as the birds build nests and chicks are born and so on and so forth, they get invaded, raped and pillaged a la Genghis Khan. We woke one morning to see a lot of nest on the ground with some little hatchling remains, which did not make Katie a happy person.






Now if some of you have advice on how to get rid on the cats we are all ears, so far I have tried cat repellent, cat scat, and rocks. The repellent didn't work as I came home one day and saw the cat sitting there looking at me, almost smiling like the Cheshire cat. So i launched out of my truck and took off after the cat. It jumped and took off under the our deck with no way out, until I heard a thrilling "THUD" and the cat was gone. I thought it might have knocked it self out, leaving it a sitting duck, but it simply bashed its head on the deck and was gone. In the meantime, I ended up with a pulled hamstring. Cat 1 - Me 0



The other option of rocks has worked fairly well. We keep a few stones on our table in case we see the cats, and simply launch them at the felines in the hopes of have a David and Goliath moment. I have hit the cats on numerous occasions but I am yet to kill one. So Cat 1 Me 1. That brings me to the option that I am using now, cat scat. This is a little mat that has spikes sticking up so that the cat cant walk on the dirt without pain. So far it is working, and i am going to build some more out of brad nails and plywood, something that will actually puncture the paws of the cat to cause pain and suffering.



That is right people I want pain and suffering for these and all cats, and I mean that. If Katie would let me, I would set our squirrel trap with bait, catch the little devils and throw them in the river with a rock tied to their tail, or better yet, I have tried to leave antifreeze out "by accident" so the nosy cats would get their due justice (try this at home). Katie, however, has kiboshed these and many other ideas and has given up on the hope of getting rid of the stupid animals. I, on the other hand, will fight tooth and nail until they are gone (IE dead).

The Final thing that puts the nail in the coffin about cats is this. Have you ever heard the saying "Oh there is the crazy dog woman with all those dogs..." No, it is always been and will always remain "There goes the crazy cat lady..."

I leave you on this post with the score Cat 1 Me 2 with the hopes of changing it one day to Cat - dead Me - Winner. And to all those cat lovers out there, I told you to stop reading so you can only blame yourself and cant get mad at me or think I am cruel.

Giving up coffee

Okay, so I decided to give up coffee for the span of one month, no I am not crazy enough to give it up forever. This was a decision that I came to one night while I laid awake not feeling that well, and looking back on the past few days of not feeling well, and I came to the realization that I was drinking too much coffee. Now some of you may question this thought process and tell me that one can not drink too much coffee, but when you start to feel bloated and you are using a quick "timmies" (Tim Horton's for you American folk) for a pick me up instead of breakfast, lunch - or in my case usually both, things are not good.

So as of august 1st I have not had any coffee. I have found that my cravings weren't as bad at the beginning of my ordeal, but as the days have turned into weeks (august 9 today) I find more and more that I might be on the verge of killing for a coffee. I even find myself day dreaming as I drive about church coffee... I know scary, we all know we only drink church coffee because

A) everyone else is
B) It is the socially acceptable thing to do after church
C) It gives you an out when you don't want to talk to someone

other than these reason, we really don't ever need to submit ourselves to the "church coffee" simply for enjoyment, it doesn't exist.

There was one other thing that I have started to notice since I have given up my beloved coffee, and this may comes as a shock to some of you, I have started to inexplicably gain weight. Now for those of you who don't know me really well, gaining weight has always been an issue with me, as in I was always the scrawny kid with the pipe cleaner arms. Now don't get me wrong I am not complaining nor am I saying that I am fat, but I got my thinking. Give up coffee, gain weight... there had to be a correlation, something that ties to two together. Then it came to me, coffee is a natural stimulant that causes the bowels to do their thing, which up until this point had been a regular 3 times a day occurrence. Well now I was experiencing something that scared me, my routine had been broken, my days are muddled and confused as my natural clock is no longer running properly, as if it had run out of batteries.

So now, dear readers I have come to this point, I know that coffee is the battery that runs my natural clock, yet I have made the decision to give up coffee for a month. By my count I still have a long way to go until the end of august. So I am put to a decision, either put up with that fact that my body is pissed at me and is going to do everything to throw things off, or admit I cant do it and return to my beloved coffee like Romulus to the mother teat. So my decision is simple really...

I am going to start smoking, and that way I don't give up, I get my battery back up and running and all is well again. As we all know, a smoke and a coffee is always good for...